Pausing and Accepting

So, it would seem that God does in deed work in mysterious ways.

As you know I've had a really tough few days as I wasn't able to go on a trip I had planned with two of my friends. I have been looking forward to it for months and was crushed that I wasn't well enough to go.

It triggered the enormity of my whole situation on me and I had a really rough time working through it.

Anyway, late last night I got a text message from one of my friends telling me they had travelled to Bath and had a nice day but just as they were leaving to go to the hotel my other friend started feeling really poorly and was promptly violently sick. A message from her husband (that came through just as she herself started being unwell!) confirmed that he was sick too and their little girl had also been sick on the way home from school. They knew they had to drive home and my poor friend was sick on and off the whole way home.

THANK GOD I wasn't with them! For one thing turning round and having to face such a long journey home when I already would have travelled a lot that day would have been awful. Throw a day shopping on top of that and I would have been wiped out in bed for days!

The thing this has reminded me is that sometimes when things happen you just have to pause and accept it. Trusting that one day it will become clear why it happened. God had my back on this one.

I am also in a much better place emotionally then I have been since August. Truly. No mask needed. The whole not being able to go to Bath thing triggered something so much bigger then just the disappointment about the trip and I honestly believe I HAD to go through that. To release it, get it out in the world, out of my head and out of my heart. The shock and numbness of the past 4 weeks has been taking up so much space within my spirit there has been little room for positive drive and resolve. Now I have let that I out I have felt so much more positive today and I think, for the first time in 20 months I took the first step to truly accepting this.

I met up with my friend Gerry (or 'Lovely Gerry' according to my mobile phone address book) and we had a look through the market. We popped down to a part of town that I don't get to much now a days and I treated myself to some new make up and then we popped into a clothes store with a 50% sale and I treated myself to some lovely winter clothes.

When we went to try the clothes on it became apparent their was no disabled changing room (which, considering it was a national chain and not a small independent shop really surprised me!) Gerry went and asked the lady behind the counter if their was a seat we could use and she pointed to a very small very low stool that is there for people to try shoes on. As soon as I saw it I had to say to Gerry there was no way I could sit on it, I would have 'clicked' (semi dislocated) by hip! So, we scooted right down to the bottom of the very narrow line of the changing rooms and I put my scooter opposite the changing room and turned the seat around so I was effectively sitting facing into the changing room. Gerry then took the curtain and pulled it across the hall creating my own disabled changing room.

When we went to pay I wanted to use some of the gift cards I got for my birthday, I placed myself down the side of the counter between the counter and the jewellery rail so I wasn't in the way but still able to interact properly with the shop assistant. The way the gift cards work is a bit complicated and they had to ring the organisation to find out how much was on the cards because they had to put in the amount and then swipe the card. It was a bit a faff but just one of those things. The girl who had been serving us asked us to go down to the next till so she could serve the lady behind us whilst the cards got sorted. I had absolutely no problem at all with them carrying on serving but now I had to move from my perfect 'out the way but able to interact' spot and was forced then to be sat in the middle of the two tills where I couldn't properly use the counter or interact with the sales assistant.

A few weeks/months ago an experience as silly as that would have internally really upset me. It would have highlighted for me that I wasn't 'able bodied' and left me feeling like I was just in the way and shouldn't be there. Today though, it was different somehow. I realised it wasn't them treating me differently or being inconsiderate. They were just ignorant. Now ignorant may seem like a harsh word but I don't mean it in a derogatory way. They really just didn't have a clue that by not having a disabled changing room and asking us to move further down (when they could have just swapped tills!) it would potentially have a negative impact on our shopping trip.

I accepted their ignorance and decided instead of stewing on it for days or internalising it and it affecting my self worth I would write a letter to the head office about the changing room situation. It won't be a shouty cross letter about how outraged I was in the complete lack of suitability for their disabled patrons but just calmly explaining the impact it had. If I hadn't had someone else there me I simply wouldn't have been able to buy anything without trying it on first.

I felt really good that I was able to keep the whole experience in perspective. It was nothing personal.

We live in a very busy beautiful seaside market town which is flooded with thousands of tourists every year and the snide comments I get from people when I am out on my mobility scooter has really knocked my confidence. I had no idea people could be so cruel to a complete stranger. After a summer of almost weekly verbal abuse I think understandably when I am faced with any kind of inequality due to my disability I take it personally.

The first time someone had a 'pop' on me on the scooter I was so shocked I couldn't actually respond at all. Then the following week I decided to pop into town by myself as Tony and Amelia-Rose were at Saturdads.

It was a glorious sunny day and thanks to the success of Broadchurch  the town was heaving. When I saw how many people there were I was so excited for all the local independent shops and market stall traders. The impact of last summers awful weather has hit them all hard and it was great to see so much business for them! When I was making my way down the pavement in a single file line just like everyone else was I couldn't believe it when a man pushed his way past me glared at me and said 'It's too busy for YOU to be out today. Stupid woman' As is I somehow was the reason that the streets were so busy and as a consequence had no right to be there.

 A little further down the street there was a man stood blocking a shop door way with 5 (yes 5) little yappy dogs that were going mad at everyone who walked past and lurching out in front of people if another dog walked by. Everyone in that little area was clearly annoyed by these dogs but one man took it upon himself to tell me that  I was the problem and should 'get off the path'. Due to the dogs and the very small pavement only one line of foot traffic could move at a time. North or south. I was just about to pull away having waited patiently for my turn and a kind lady telling me to come through when the man stood behind me huffed his 'this is f*cking ridiculous' directly at me and walked through the gap, promptly followed by everyone behind him! Talk about feeling invisible! In the end the woman told whoever it was behind me to wait for a minute so I could go. I had only been out the house for 20 minutes but was desperate to go home.

I would LOVE to tell you that this kind of verbal bashing is a rare thing and everything you read in the papers about disabled inequality is untrue but from my first hand experience it is very very real. That is why something as silly as the shopping experience I had today would have at one point really upset me. My confidence has taken a big hit this summer but today proved to me I am healing.

I also didn't beat myself because when I got home I had to go and sit on the bed. I have perceived needing more rest and not being able to be on the go go go all the time as a sort of failure. Like I am letting myself and my family down. Today though I was able to not only think but also say out loud I'd had a lovely 2 hours shopping but I really needed a rest and if I didn't rest I knew I was going to pay for it. I accepted that for now anyway I only have the ability to be active (even though I am sitting down) for an hour or so at a time. My parents would call it eating an elephant one bite at a time. By acknowledging that I needed to rest then meant by the time my daughter got in from school I was able to give her my full attention.

I have decided I am going back on the raw food diet so I took my rest time as an opportunity to start writing my own raw food recipe book with my favourite online recipes. I will write more about why I follow a raw food diet in another post but I have well and truly fallen off the wagon recently and I feel pants as a result. For me this diet isn't about weight loss at all, nor is it a 'fad'. It is a lifestyle choice and one of the ways I manage my pain. The power of good food! Watch this space to learn more.

Be blessed x