Mindful mummy; Mindful daughter

I have been thinking today about what to write in my blog. A few things have crossed my mind; How much I miss food and what it's like to live without it; My website that I am building how I am trying to centralise the various creative things going on in my life; The frustration that I feel because, as of yet, my body still shows no sign of improvement, but then a wonderful thing happened. I decided today was the day I was going to start teaching my daughter mindfulness.

Amelia-Rose coped amazingly well the first week I was in hospital, she blew us all away actually. The second week she started to struggle although she still did a great job. Since I've been home though I think it has all caught up with her. In the same way it has caught up with my parents, my sister and my husband. It's funny how they all show it in such different ways. In ways that reflect our various relationships.

My husband is treating me like a dandelion, if there is the slightest breeze I think he's afraid I will blow away in the wind. I have always felt like he is my protector but now more then ever. I really do love that man.

Amelia-Rose though, when I first came home as you would expect she was all over me. It was cuddles and kisses all the way. But as the days have gone on and she is realising I am not better then when I was in hospital (bar my pain being under control but she was protected from all of that anyway) I've seen a confusion in her and heard a few questions for Daddy 'Why doesn't mummy cook my dinner anymore?' etc I have decided from tomorrow although I will be wise with rest I am getting up, getting dressed and doing my make up. No doubt I will then be told how great I look although I feel like cr*p but maybe it is time to put the mask back on.

Anyway back to the point in hand. Today Amelia-Rose went out with a friend and wasn't herself, she refused to play with her friend and wouldn't take instruction from my friend. That isn't normal behaviour at all for Amelia-Rose, especially not to take instruction from an adult.

I chose tonight to be the night I would introduce her to mindfulness. I ordered a book whilst I was in hospital called 'Sitting still like a frog'. It's a book and CD designed to introduce children to mindfulness, we sat on my bed together and I explained that we were going to listen to a cd and do what it told us, I told her it would make us feel nice and calm and what we were going to do was called being mindful.

The first track came on and we both closed our eyes (it was a choice, she didn't have to close her eyes but I guess she took my lead) as the track continued I reached out for her hand and she responded by placing her hand in my hand. We fell deeper into relaxation and as the track told us to put our hand on our tummy I peaked out the corner of my eye to see she was indeed putting her other hand on her tummy.


The track finished and we came back into the now, Amelia-Rose asked if we could do another and so we did. That finished and she looked at the track names on the laptop 'Mummy, can we do sleep tight?' and when we'd done it once she asked for it again! This time she snuggled down, asked me to put my hand on her back and she fell asleep!

To hold her hand as she experienced this wonderful feeling for the first time was delightful. I was on a real high. I feel like we have found yet another way to grow together as she herself grows away from needing me in a practical way so much. I see it as part of my role as her mother to learn myself how to step back as she steps forwards but to not be so far back that I'm not there when she needs me. My role shifts and changes and she herself shifts and changes. Sometimes we will move forward for months and sometime we take a few steps back.

Amelia-Rose reverted to co-sleeping months ago then when she got a Hello Kitty blow up bed for Christmas she started sleeping on that on our bedroom floor then suddenly Tuesday she announced she wanted to move back into her own bed in her own bedroom.

I'd always said to Tony when she was ready to move back into her own space she would but it still sort of took me by surprise (in a good way) Tonight Tony lifted her back into her own bed. At 12.30 there came a small voice 'Daddy' Tony went in and they had a small chat before she went back to sleep, she woke again at 2.45am and was completely calm as she was the first time she woke up. I wasn't asleep anyway so I shared a story with her and she asked for the 'Sleep tight' meditation and fell back to sleep!

I need to explain how HUGE this is for us. This is the first time EVER Amelia-Rose has woken up calm in the night. We have always had to deal with night terrors and nightmares (two very different things) or just a crying frustrated many times inconsolable baby/child. This calmness that surrounded Amelia-Rose when she woke in the night was wonderful. I really hope this enthusiasm for meditation continues. I think it gave her a great deal of calm in what has been a very un calm 3 weeks. I feel like I have found a way to help her feel centred when everything is all over the place.

The pondering of a wonderful husband.

I was listening to some worship music earlier (for the first time in a very long time) which prompted a conversation with my husband about how I am doing spiritually.

I have always been spiritual, especially since we relocated to Dorset 4 and a half years ago. Moving here really felt like my homecoming. I grew to a place that I had never been before and was very comfortable in that place.

I believe that our spiritual wellbeing is as important as our emotional, physical and mental health and I had grown to nurture that part of myself. Whatever you chose to believe in or not believe in doesn't stop you from being spiritual. I know some people that don't openly affiliate with any one God but they are still incredibly spiritual. I think sometimes the lines between being religious and spiritual are seen as one and the same and I don't really think they are. They are two separate qualities.

I started to find it very difficult to go to church about November last year, I should say going to church is something I have done all my life and I think it is one of the best communities you can be a part of (if you find the right one for you) but it became the place that I really 'felt' the emotional pain that went along with suddenly becoming disabled.

All the things I have lost, especially as a wife and a mother would hit me when I went to a service. I found I was doing well and adapting to our new life but then when I went to church the enormity of everything would strike. The good feeling I got when I went to church went and I found I was getting more and more anxious at the thought of going.

At first it didn't matter to me as such because I continued to pray and nurture my spirit in other ways but I think in all honesty around Christmas time I stopped doing that too. Weeks would pass without me praying or meditating which is so unlike me. It only dawned on me today how under fed I am spiritually at the minute.

I haven't stopped believing in God (amongst other things) but I am angry with him. I hate typing that but it's the truth. It's difficult when you're surrounded by stories of healing and you're sick. Do I feel like if you have so much power where's my healing... maybe. But I recognise that healing comes in many forms it doesn't always work like that.

Emotionally I feel I have been healed from many past hurts since becoming disabled but sometimes I feel like there is an expectation (I suppose partly self inflicted) for me to suddenly be physically healed and I don't believe it always works like that. I get this sense sometimes that I am letting people down by not getting better physically. It's like I want to affirm people and their prayers but that's a completely unrealistic pressure to put on myself.

I need to start filling myself up again though. My husband said one of the things he struggles with most about my illness is what it has done to my spirit. Although he is agnostic he has always recognised how important my faith is to me and he feels like the pain has taken that away form me. Not completely but enough for something that has always bought me great comfort to no longer be straight forward.

This lead to another conversation about a day course I have the opportunity to go to on Saturday. I have been to the place before and it lifted me higher then I have ever been. It was the most amazing place and I have wanted to go back ever since.

My initial response was no because it is an hour away and not a straight forward journey (lots of back roads and windy roads!) and the idea of sitting for such a long time is daunting! My husband then made a pretty bold statement! "You make me cross sometimes" "In what way?" I asked slightly bemused and he replied "If someone needed you, even if it was going to be detrimental to your health you would go but when it's something that could help you you put walls up and don't go because you think it is beyond you."

It was quite the observation and he's absolutely right. I constantly say yes to things that maybe I shouldn't and I pay the physical cost but when it is something just for me I won't do it because I fear the fall out. It's tricky when something that brings you pleasure will ultimately bring you pain and there is always a physical price to pay but, I don't know. Maybe there are situations that I should be saying yes to for my spiritual sake. Pain is pain. One way or another physically I feel it all the time. Can I continue saying no to things that would feed my spirit because of fear of the physical fall out and yet say yes to things for other people and bare the physical fall out?

I think we all know what the answer the that is don't we.

So operation sort my spirit has begun. There is a sound for health course starting Sunday, I did a condensed version around the time I first went on the crutches before I had my first operation and it was the most wonderful experience. I have been talking about going for a weekly 'sound bath' ever since and yet 18 months on and I still haven't gone back! I am thinking I will sign up for the course and let it kick off me reconnecting. I need to stop ignoring my spiritual self and take down some of those walls.

I am so blessed to have such an observant husband.