The pondering of a wonderful husband.

I was listening to some worship music earlier (for the first time in a very long time) which prompted a conversation with my husband about how I am doing spiritually.

I have always been spiritual, especially since we relocated to Dorset 4 and a half years ago. Moving here really felt like my homecoming. I grew to a place that I had never been before and was very comfortable in that place.

I believe that our spiritual wellbeing is as important as our emotional, physical and mental health and I had grown to nurture that part of myself. Whatever you chose to believe in or not believe in doesn't stop you from being spiritual. I know some people that don't openly affiliate with any one God but they are still incredibly spiritual. I think sometimes the lines between being religious and spiritual are seen as one and the same and I don't really think they are. They are two separate qualities.

I started to find it very difficult to go to church about November last year, I should say going to church is something I have done all my life and I think it is one of the best communities you can be a part of (if you find the right one for you) but it became the place that I really 'felt' the emotional pain that went along with suddenly becoming disabled.

All the things I have lost, especially as a wife and a mother would hit me when I went to a service. I found I was doing well and adapting to our new life but then when I went to church the enormity of everything would strike. The good feeling I got when I went to church went and I found I was getting more and more anxious at the thought of going.

At first it didn't matter to me as such because I continued to pray and nurture my spirit in other ways but I think in all honesty around Christmas time I stopped doing that too. Weeks would pass without me praying or meditating which is so unlike me. It only dawned on me today how under fed I am spiritually at the minute.

I haven't stopped believing in God (amongst other things) but I am angry with him. I hate typing that but it's the truth. It's difficult when you're surrounded by stories of healing and you're sick. Do I feel like if you have so much power where's my healing... maybe. But I recognise that healing comes in many forms it doesn't always work like that.

Emotionally I feel I have been healed from many past hurts since becoming disabled but sometimes I feel like there is an expectation (I suppose partly self inflicted) for me to suddenly be physically healed and I don't believe it always works like that. I get this sense sometimes that I am letting people down by not getting better physically. It's like I want to affirm people and their prayers but that's a completely unrealistic pressure to put on myself.

I need to start filling myself up again though. My husband said one of the things he struggles with most about my illness is what it has done to my spirit. Although he is agnostic he has always recognised how important my faith is to me and he feels like the pain has taken that away form me. Not completely but enough for something that has always bought me great comfort to no longer be straight forward.

This lead to another conversation about a day course I have the opportunity to go to on Saturday. I have been to the place before and it lifted me higher then I have ever been. It was the most amazing place and I have wanted to go back ever since.

My initial response was no because it is an hour away and not a straight forward journey (lots of back roads and windy roads!) and the idea of sitting for such a long time is daunting! My husband then made a pretty bold statement! "You make me cross sometimes" "In what way?" I asked slightly bemused and he replied "If someone needed you, even if it was going to be detrimental to your health you would go but when it's something that could help you you put walls up and don't go because you think it is beyond you."

It was quite the observation and he's absolutely right. I constantly say yes to things that maybe I shouldn't and I pay the physical cost but when it is something just for me I won't do it because I fear the fall out. It's tricky when something that brings you pleasure will ultimately bring you pain and there is always a physical price to pay but, I don't know. Maybe there are situations that I should be saying yes to for my spiritual sake. Pain is pain. One way or another physically I feel it all the time. Can I continue saying no to things that would feed my spirit because of fear of the physical fall out and yet say yes to things for other people and bare the physical fall out?

I think we all know what the answer the that is don't we.

So operation sort my spirit has begun. There is a sound for health course starting Sunday, I did a condensed version around the time I first went on the crutches before I had my first operation and it was the most wonderful experience. I have been talking about going for a weekly 'sound bath' ever since and yet 18 months on and I still haven't gone back! I am thinking I will sign up for the course and let it kick off me reconnecting. I need to stop ignoring my spiritual self and take down some of those walls.

I am so blessed to have such an observant husband.