Moving along the road

Well yesterday was a good day which is a funny sort of statement because I cried A LOT. That sort of can't talk through it crying. But it's ok, everybody needs to release that sometimes and it was all triggered by kindness not nastiness.


I had my first appointment with the new pain management clinic which has been a long time coming. I did attend a pain clinic in November 2012 but the service got axed before I was able to receive any treatment and I've been flying solo ever since.


The lady I saw was absolutely incredible. It was a type of compassion that I've not ever really experienced before on the NHS and it really touched me. We spoke about everything from the way the pain feels to the way it makes me feel (two very different things). The sense that this woman actually really did care and did really want to help enabled me to be honest to a point that I normally never let myself engage with.


The enormity of the change between life B.P (before pain) and now is so huge I rarely let myself contemplate it. Every now and again I will dip my toes into the pool of emotion but I have never trusted myself to fully submerge in it for fear I will drown. Today, for the first time I really let myself feel that emotional tidal wave and guess what... I was able to ride it out!


Due to the complexity of my pain we will need to have another appointment before we can begin to talk 'coping strategies' but I really truly believe when I look back on my life today will be the beginning of good health related things.


One of the things I hear quite often from people that really try to understand my life (the ones who identify that 'just nipping out' without planning is out of the question, cooking dinner is a bit of a mission because I need my hands to walk, those day to day things that one would normally do without thinking) is  'How are you so positive?' and I always find it a funny question. How am I so positive? How could I not be! Am I really expected to believe that this is it? There's too many wonderful things in my life to 'give in' to the pain and disability.


Every life is purposeful. No one is here 'Just because'. Every tear drop we lose I believe is replaced by a drop of strength, a drop of resilience that helps us move forward, to take the next step into the unknown with a sense of purpose.


I am so abundantly blessed in my life and whilst pain is a part of my life I refuse to let it be my entire life. In my very darkest hours of pain when the loneliness of insomnia creeps in and I completely irrationally think 'This is it, this is actually going to kill me' (There is a point that I reach when, as absurd as it sounds, I think I am in so much pain my body couldn't possibly survive. I know, I know, it's ridiculous) that there is the echo of a voice saying 'No it's not you can do this'. I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister and a friend and that gives me purpose.


Even in the darkest of dark you can't hide a light.


I also take the greatest of pleasure in the smallest of things. For example, little vegetarian me made a steak and kidney pie for my husband for dinner last night and it just made me feel good inside. Flowers make me smile, a new pack of biro pens excite me and a smile from a stranger makes me believe in the human race. I adore the changes of the seasons. There are so many wonderful beautiful things in this world. In this life. I would be a fool if I let my pain take that away from me.


Be blessed x