Midnight blues

I have decided to come over onto blogspot from blog because it will mean I don't have any dodgy adverts on the page and people are able to comment.

Today has been a good day, a very lovely day actually but I'm feeling a bit blue now. For months now I have been so excited about going away on a trip over night to my favourite city in the UK (Bath) and tonight at least it is looking like I won't be able to go. Why? I'm not well enough.

So excuse me if this manifests into a whiny childish post but here it is I am going to say something I rarely say...

THIS ISN'T FAIR

I don't want to be in my 20's and have my life ruled by pain. This trip will do my soul good yet my stupid broken body is once again looking like it will get in the way and it isn't bloody fair.

It is likely over the next few nights I will reach a level of pain that only my husband knows how to deal with, my body becomes twisted in agony and there is little of 'me' left when I am in this state (that comes around once a month to give you a clue to what I am referring to). I had said to Tony if it happens to happen on the night I am away I would lock myself away in my hotel room but he is quite right in his response that there is no way I can go through it alone. It is also something I would never expect my friends to witness.

So what happens exactly, well, I do not cry, I shut down, I am restless yet walking is agony. I cannot stay in one position for more then a few minutes but any movement is horrendous. There is nothing we can do but ride it out. My body feels like it is on fire and the pain seems to touch every part of me. I can't talk or string a sentence together. I am completely overcome with pain. If I had to chose labour or this I would chose labour. Labour is productive and you get a rest between contractions. This is relentless.

It's so silly but I have been SO looking forward to this trip that I saved all the vouchers I got for my birthday back in June and have been saving money so I really could go and just have a good time. I had a head full of visions of christmas shopping and letting my spirit be fed by this city that holds such a special place in my heart. I wanted to absorb the atmosphere of the city and remember what life was like before chronic pain moved in.

If the peak had happened tonight I think I would have been over it enough to travel wednesday but if it is tomorrow night I almost stand no chance. I am lucky to get two hours sleep the night it happens. Out of desperation I thought maybe I should just risk it, of course I could not go and then it not happen until say friday but, again, rightly so Tony says that is too much of a gamble.

I have actually never had a night away with friends, this was such a big deal.

I hide my pain from my friends as best that I can and I would feel so sad for them to see me in such a state. Tony knows it, he knows that even in the very worst hour I will come through it, we will come through it together, it's something we go through every month, it's our 'normal'. For anyone else though it is not normal and I cannot imagine anyone seeing me hurting so much and not being disturbed and deeply upset by it. The friends that I am meant to be going with our absolutely wonderful and my not going is no reflection of them, I know they would do anything to make the pain go away but that's just the thing. Nothing can make it go away. I just have to ride it out.

I don't know maybe by some miracle I will fall asleep in a while and wake up in an hours time and it will begin. Then we can get through the horror of it all and I'll be ok to go on Wednesday. Never EVER have I been so desperate for this to happen.

I don't want this to be another thing I miss out on.