To the one I love

I tell you everyday, several times a day that I love you and yet I don't often share what that means to me! 'I love you' is a statement we make to each other all the time and in those words so few we say so much.

The first time I met you something deep within me knew I had found my match. You were the missing piece of the puzzle. I knew I would spend the rest of my life with you. It wasn't part of my plan to fall so completely in love so young and we had a lot to prove but I would never be without you now!!

We grew together. There we were, two peas in a pod who, for all intense and purposes should never have worked. But we did work and we still do. You are my blessing.

Through your love for me you taught me to love myself. You cared for me and nurtured me, you made me laugh like no one before you could, you make me laugh so much my face hurts! You pandered to my goofy side and laughed at me as well as alongside me! You made me so proud to have you as my own.

 Our spirits became so entwined that I am still uncertain where I end and you begin.

One sunny spring day with the realisation a certain something I had been waiting for hadn't arrived I pee'd on a stick! Imagine my frustration as I waited for 7 hours for you to get home from work so I could share our news. What a shock. What a wonderful, blissful shock.

We were to be parents!

Of course our world came crashing down when we were told that we would never meet our little creation. You took the week off work whilst we waited for the pregnancy to end and never before has someone else's silence spoken so loudly to me. We were sad to the core and yet we never turned on each other, this was a battle we would fight together.

Thank goodness we did because our little mass of cells defied the doctors and never left, in fact, it grew as did my stomach! A baby girl was on her way.

What next, where was our journey going? We spoke of marriage and before I knew it I was planning our wedding! What a beautiful two days they were! Only you and I could manage to make a wedding celebration last two days! I was higher then high, my heart sung constantly for those two days. As we made our vows together our baby danced in my tummy the whole time. As if she was celebrating our union with us!

The last few months of my pregnancy on reflection, well, I can only salute you for dealing so well with those darned pregnancy hormones! I remember you laughing out loud one day, your silly belly laugh at me as you hugged me and comforted when I cried 'because I didn't know why I was crying' You never belittled me or made me feel unreasonable you just quietly walked along side me as I got larger and larger!

When I spoke of hypno birthing you never laughed at me, you never told me I was crazy! You stood behind me 100% as I prepared my body for the biggest event my body would ever encounter!

I remember the night I went into labour like it was yesterday. We were sat in bed and you'd made me my favourite late pregnancy treat... honey on toast. I felt an electric spark rip through my tummy and jump out of bed in alarm, I got back in bed but as soon as I settled again I had another electric shock!

It was such an odd sensation I remember laughing, and you laughing at me. It was you who suggested that maybe I was actually in labour! The contractions came thick and fast from that first one! You ran me a bath and massaged my back as I sat like a walrus in the bath!

In the third hour I felt like I needed to leave for the birthing unit. You comforted me through my disappointment because I felt that I needed to go in so soon into my labour. It had been my intention to do at least half of the labour at home. Little did I know I was over half way through! Our girl may have been 14 days late but when she was coming, she was coming!

The only experience missing was the infamous waters breaking! I don't know a pregnant woman who doesn't fear them going in public! We left the house at just after 1.30am and didn't hit a single red light! You spoke calmly to me on the small journey and Take That's 'Today this could be the greatest day of our life' played on the radio! To this day when I hear that song it sends me back to that little red car and remembering to breathe!

 When we arrived at the unit you held me hand as I was examined by the midwife, we were over three hours in now and the contractions had come every 2 minutes from the first one, it was intense but I never felt scared.

 After the exam you lent down to put my slippers on and bore the brunt of my waters! The look on your face! 'Aarr... nice' you said as I laughed at you! I couldn't have planned it if I had tried! After the clean up you bent to do the other slipper and got the second wave! I know you believe you wouldn't have luck if you didn't have bad luck. Bless you.

You were so calm and collected and supported me every step (or should that be push) of the way, in fact, you were so calm the midwife was happy to let you take control, she even thought you were a midwife! You were so content in your role of cheerleader.

In the last hour just as my body was ready to push I told you I loved you and the midwife said she had never heard a woman telling her husband she loved him so far into labour. But how could I be angry with you when what we were doing was so amazing, this was the beginning of our family and all I felt for you was love.

The moment Amelia-Rose came into the world I looked into your eyes and have never seen someone in such ecstasy! From that instant I knew she would be a Daddy's girl. In the years since my heart skips a little beat when you call us 'Your girls' . It makes me feel so protected, I know you will always do everything you can to provide for us in all aspects.


You are every bit the father I knew you would be. In first weeks of Amelia-Rose's birth you catered to my every need, even the ones I didn't know I had! There was endless cups of decaf coffee and toast... do much toast! I didn't have to do night feeds alone in those first few weeks, you would sit awake with me even though there was nothing you could do just to keep me company and to spend extra time watching our gorgeous baby.

You adored Amelia-Rose and that adoration made me adore you even more!

When we relocated to Dorset 10 months later and you continued to work 2 and a half hours away for 24 hours three of four times a week I cannot lie and say they were easy months. We had some pretty big cracks which on reflection I think were caused by the unrest of you being away so much, it was easier to bicker then to miss each other  and we came close to losing everything we had together. In that time you taught me you could love someone unconditionally but not always like them very much! 'o)

 We knew we had to walk away or try to heal... thank god we stuck it out. We talked and we listened, listened and we talked.

There was much to be rebuilt but we did it and what we built this time was even stronger then before. We learned so much about each other in that time and one thing was clear, When it came to our future we were resilient and we were both in it for the long run!

Seeing you interact with Amelia-Rose makes my heart swell. You worked so hard so I could stay at home and be a full time mother, you found a job more locally so the commute wouldn't be an issue anymore. When money got tight and I considered looking for a job you were insistent that it was your job to financially provide and it was more important for me to enjoy the special young years. The years you can't get back as much as you try to slow them down! That gift will always be priceless to me and I don't thank you enough for such a glorious opportunity.

When I got sick you instantly took over all the house work without ever being asked to do so. Of course then we had no idea what a long road we were on but your constant support never wavered. You let me feel everything I needed to feel and never once belittled what I was going through. You gave me strength and I never heard you complain. Not once. I still haven't even almost two years on!

As I lost myself you kept hold of me. As I grew snappy and quick to tears because of the pain I was in you didn't hold it against me. When I felt angry and was rude to you, you would absorb it
 without mimicking my behaviour. Even before I couldn't see it in myself  yet you could see that I was grieving. As I struggled to find the words to describe what the pain was doing to me you were always one step ahead. I have never known loneliness like I experienced in those months when I was housebound but I was never truly alone. You were always there.

You insist I wake you up if I am in too much pain over night just so you can sit with me and if I don't, but you can tell it has been a rough night you tell me off! So intent on me not going through this alone.

Although I have struggled adjusting to being 'disabled' and the impact that has had on my confidence you let me know everyday how beautiful and sexy you think I am. Everyday. Without fail. I am so abundantly blessed, rest assured I do not take it for granted. I know everything I have achieved in the past two years I couldn't have done with out you. You enable me.

I know it can't be easy living with me when my pain is at its maximum level, I am grumpy and get upset over silly things but I am never angry with you. I am never frustrated with you, it is never you that makes me cry. I wish I could be the woman I was before, so rarely ever grumpy! I will get to that place again, it won' be the same place, we cannot go backwards but we will go forwards, to a place we can't even dream about. We are learning together how to live with this illness and I know things will get better, I will learn to manage it better. We will learn to manage it better.

When I say I love you I don't just say the words. Those words are filled with every laugh, every inside joke, every night, every morning, every tear, every experience, every day, every road, everything we have gone through together and an excited spark at what is yet to come.

I love you Mr L.