The flour that broke the camels back

Tis the season to be jolly ow ow ow ow owww ow ow ow owwwww

Another busy day after a busy week.

I had a great appointment with the occupational therapist from social services today who assessed me for a stair lift grant. The woman was absolutely wonderful but it was exhausting. I had to tell my whole story and I had to be honest, it is so much easier to put on a brave face!! Being honest when you're in as much pain as I am is exhausting! The superb news is though is that she has assessed that I have a 'critical need' and will be writing in her report that she thinks I need the stair lift.

After the meeting I had to make some mince pies to put in the hampers I do for my family. As I finished and was packing away my entire tub of flour fell out the cupboard. That's 2kg of flour all over my kitchen floor. It didn't just tip in a pile, oh no, it spread across the flour and what did I do? In my sheer frustration and screaming pain I threw the other one and that also tipped out. Well done Clo, great decision! (It's cringe worthy to openly admit such a thing but this is all about an honest account of life with a chronic illness so there you have it!)

So now, there was about 4kg of flour and 2kg of oats all over my kitchen floor! The oats fell out the cupboard just for good measure. I don't get cross very often, it's one of the things I am working on. Allowing myself to be angry about my illness. I am afraid of my own anger and I don't let myself connect to it so the throwing of the flour tub was a bit of a revelation for me! A really messy revelation but one none the less.

 I don't know why I am afraid of allowing myself to get angry, I think maybe I see it as a very negative emotion and I am very much a glass half full kind of girl (amazingly!) I don't know, I just find it very difficult.

Anyway, I am working on allowing myself to feel angry and accept it's ok to feel like having this illness is not fair and that that doesn't make me a bad person nor does it mean I'm giving in or being a victim. It's just acknowledging that those emotions are natural and manageable.

I allowed myself a jolly good cry as I cleared it up and put myself to bed. My daughter and husband were out so I decided to take full advantage of a quiet house. This is huge step for me. All week I have felt so much (self induced) pressure to keep all the balls in the air so my husband can just concentrate on getting well, he's been really suffering with his arm injury. It's the first time he's had any sort of injury and I think he is genuinely quite shocked at just how much it hurts and how useless that is making him feel.

Anyone with Hypermobility Syndrome will know how dangerous it is for the body not to rest and today I gave in and collapsed into my bed at 6pm.

I love Christmas time, I love the entire advent season but it is one of the hardest times of year to feel so unwell. I have a deep desire to create every pin I have repinned for the past 12 months and yet my body holds no punches in punishing me for such reckless behaviour!

I have put myself under no pressure to 'over achieve' and to only do what I can but that doesn't take away the sense of loss that I can't do all the things I want to do. There is such an idea of perfection around Christmas and that makes it very tough if you're sick, grieving, out of work etc.

Fatigue is also beeatch this time of year, it's like someone is constantly on your back trying to pull you down and all you want to do is muster up the strength to stay up right!

I am pleased that I made the promise to myself at the beginning of advent not to strive for perfection this year but it's funny how just the extra things I am doing have driven home for me quite how dramatically my life has changed since I became disabled.

That's all I have in me tonight. It's now 10pm and just this short blog has taken me hours because I've had to break from it a few time to get various things done! Mainly washing, detangling and putting up my daughters hair that now reaches beyond her bottom when it's wet! If she tilts her head back it is actually at the back of her knees now!

Sorry this entrance is a rambling one!